Metabolism

Each one of us have a secret enemy…it’s called a metabolism. We can’t see it or touch it yet it stays with us for our whole lives and for many is the source of great stress and worry for one simple reason, a poor one makes you fat! I personally have been at war since I was ten years old. The attack was swift and subtle and resulted in my little pinkish belly making it’s first appearance hanging over my bugle boy jeans. The care free eating days of years 1-9 were over. I was getting fat and that realization altered my life forever. I had two choices, continue my current consumption of kid goodies and accept my fate as the fat kid or alter my eating and begin exercising. Now if this sounds like pretty heavy stuff for a ten year old that’s because it is.
The definitive nightmare of boys in my situation was any variable that required the removal of your shirt in social settings. I mean I would have preferred almost any alternative including slow death. Decisions in my teenage life were dictated by potential shirt removal. Key words like, “pool party”, “hot tub”, and “bring a swimsuit” were avoidance alarms inside my head.
One of these settings which plagued my teenage years occurred when some idiot uttered three horrible three words, “shirts or skins!” This declaration at the beginning of a pickup basketball game was used to distinguish teams and it struck instant fear and panic inside me. Once it was said, everyone playing basically had a 50/50 chance of playing shirtless. Fight or flight response had me working out any variable to prevent my nakedness. I did everything possible to increase shirt wearing my odds. The sure bet, disappear, fake sick, basically leave. The problem is you couldn’t play basketball at all and that was almost worse than having your shirt off. I usually opted for the riskier option where I used psychological tactics to get me on the shirts team. I mean whatever it took, lie, manipulate whatever. “Hey, weren’t you on the skins team?” “No, I have no idea what you are talking about.” In the pre game warm-ups I would avoid being on the team with the buff guys. Because if the “shirts or skins” announcement was made, they, looking for every opportunity to display their physiques, would immediately volunteer for skin and you’d be screwed. In really desperate times I even thought about buying 10 colored jerseys for the players so I could eliminate the shirt or skin need. After serious consideration I realized I would look even dumber carrying a box of jerseys around to pick up games. Despite all these efforts I did every once in a while I end up a skin. They were horrible experiences and to this day I can remember every game I played shirtless. (to be continued)