One of my earliest memories is standing in a park feeding ducks. This experience is memorable because of one thing... fear. Don't imagine me as a little 3 year old interacting quietly with mother nature on a sunny afternoon. Instead, picture my little legs running in terror as I am chased and snapped at by a swarm of wildlife.
Since this occassion I have harbored a subconscious hatred for water fowl.
Fast forward 20 something years and I hate them even more. You see, I have a little event coming up this June, where some 1000 triathletes will descend on the Salem Pond for competition. Every year since we first started this race more and more ducks return from migration and decide to set up shop at my race venue. They show up quacking and making a mess of everything. The city wants to get rid of them but is powerless to stop them due to some duck equal rights activists stepping in to protect them.
What is a duck hater to do?
I'll tell you... murder for hire. I posted this ad on craigslist.
Wanted:
Experienced hunter with flexible morals willing to work nights from 1am to 4am. Need to have appropriate firearms with silencing capabilities. Pay to be determined per head. Will provide black garbage bags.
13 comments:
i would do it, but wouldn't there be a pretty big mess with all the feathers...and what if there were dead birds that stayed in the water, that might be even worse...
you're probably going to go to hell, bird killer.
(I had to delete my previous comments due to spelling errors. It just leaves the door wide for a solid comeback if you make a spelling error in an insult comment.)
p.s. happy birthday.
I prefer to poison my victims - no silencer needed. Either that or we incorporate an annual "duck dinner" the night before the race. Nothing helps you get ready for a triathlon like a good meal of roast duck.
There was a movement in Wisconsin a while back to shoot all the feral cats, but then some animal rights activists got the final say. I grew up there, and I'm sure they were just bored after hunting season. I bet you'd find droves of mid-westerners itching to do some "duck-huntin'".
I will kill ducks if you will kill cats...actually just one in particular.
I'll do it...my sad Ikea duvet needs more feathers. Do you mind if I use Luke holding a bread loaf as bait?
I want them gone, but i don't want to do it.... animals creep me out
angie: that is why I am providing garbage bags... you may need to bring your swim suit as well.
comment deleted: I am sorry that you are too witty to reveal yourself
comment deleted: you too.
john: I am going there anyway at least i can kill some ducks on the way
heidi: excellent idea, pre-race duck hunt and bbq. It's 2 events in one!
melbo: I've had 13 emails from interested mid-westerners but they wanted to travel paid for, room and board, and per diem.
sissin: I am assuming it's you event though you commented through Heidi's handle. that cat needs killin. Sorry it's owner is stickin around for the summer!
kalex: I will allow nothing of the sort! It's that kind of action that has led to my "duck issues" in the first place. Why don't you throw hambone out there in a bread onesie!
whit: desperate times--- desperate measures. At least it's not cat sized rats in manhattan beach.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FRIEND!
Hope you did something fun.
Yes, Happy Birthday! What did ya get? A baby wrapped in a bow??
I hereby apologize publicly to Travis for laughing at him while he was running for the nearest tree as fast as his little legs (boy thighs) would take him and throwing bread right and left to distract the gaggle of geese and ducks pursuing him.
For the record, his mother (who had the bright duck-feeding idea in the first place) was also laughing pretty hard, so hard, in fact, that she could barely move.
For the record, I got to little Travis before he got very far up the tree.
For the record, Travis recently revealed to me (and everyone else at his birthday dinner) in an intimate moment of true candor that he finds it deeply amusing to watch someone about to be wrecked (examples: climbers of all sorts at the Rock Garden and Dustin and Jack on long boards).
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